Dark Days
Hope you like roller coasters, because that is what the last 6 months have been. To put it mildly, the stress of having twins continued to build. I don't think I have ever been "put through the ringer" so thouroughly, emotionally or physically. I was trying to hold myself together as best I could, but I was cracking, and it was showing.
My wife and I tried to talk about this one rarely quiet afternoon, but I was pretty spent. The best I could communicate to her was that I just wasn't happy anymore. The more we talked, the more she thought I was trying to say I wanted to leave. It was incredibly hard to say it, but I finally confided in her that I had battled with suicidal thoughts since I was in high school, and at that moment I was flirting with the idea again (in fact, I had stashed a bottle of sleeping pills in preparation). We have been married for 15 years, but the secret I had lived with for so long was finaly out of the bag.
Within a few days I had apointments with a therapist and my doctor, and thus began my treatment for depression. I began regular counciling and doses of antidepressants in December of 2005, just a few weeks after the boys were born. The therapy helped me recognize that depresion was a disease, and I probably been suffering from it since middle school. Starting doses of Efexor had great effects for me emotionally, but brought some nausia every day. When we tried switching to a full daily dosage, I had such debilitating anxiety I had to leave work and go home, where I couldn't get out of bed.
After consulting my doctor, I switched to Paxil in January. After giving it a few weeks, I found it had fewer side effects but didn't seem to manage my symptoms as well (mood swings, flaring temper) as well. I went back to my Doc and we doubled the dosage. This seemed to help, and I convinced myself that it was working, and I was doing much better and had everything under control. By February, my thereapist and I decided I had reached some degree of resolution and left my counciling status on an "as needed basis". I can't say my mood and depression were where I would have liked them to be, but I felt some progress was better than nothing.
My wife and I tried to talk about this one rarely quiet afternoon, but I was pretty spent. The best I could communicate to her was that I just wasn't happy anymore. The more we talked, the more she thought I was trying to say I wanted to leave. It was incredibly hard to say it, but I finally confided in her that I had battled with suicidal thoughts since I was in high school, and at that moment I was flirting with the idea again (in fact, I had stashed a bottle of sleeping pills in preparation). We have been married for 15 years, but the secret I had lived with for so long was finaly out of the bag.
Within a few days I had apointments with a therapist and my doctor, and thus began my treatment for depression. I began regular counciling and doses of antidepressants in December of 2005, just a few weeks after the boys were born. The therapy helped me recognize that depresion was a disease, and I probably been suffering from it since middle school. Starting doses of Efexor had great effects for me emotionally, but brought some nausia every day. When we tried switching to a full daily dosage, I had such debilitating anxiety I had to leave work and go home, where I couldn't get out of bed.
After consulting my doctor, I switched to Paxil in January. After giving it a few weeks, I found it had fewer side effects but didn't seem to manage my symptoms as well (mood swings, flaring temper) as well. I went back to my Doc and we doubled the dosage. This seemed to help, and I convinced myself that it was working, and I was doing much better and had everything under control. By February, my thereapist and I decided I had reached some degree of resolution and left my counciling status on an "as needed basis". I can't say my mood and depression were where I would have liked them to be, but I felt some progress was better than nothing.
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